Dear Frontier Airlines

I used to be a Midwest customer. Now that you've gobbled them, you seem to feel entitled to dibs on spamming me. I have no interest in being your customer. I don't wish to receive your relentless marketing messages. To that end, I clicked the unsubscribe link.

This is what I got:

We're sorry, but we are unable to process your request due to either an invalid e-mail address or a system error
     To manage your e-mail subscription, please log into your Frontier Airlines account and update "My Account Info." You may also contact our Web help desk at 800-452-2022 (option 1, then option 5) for assistance.

How interesting. Either emails coming FROM my account are suddenly "invalid," (even though they GOT to me fine) or you have a "system error" which has been going on for at least two months.

Great. Hope you maintain your airplane engines better than you maintain your "unsubscribe" mechanisms.

And how unfortunate for me that my Midwest account number and password, which may or may not match my alleged Frontier Airlines Account number and password, are probably on a scrap of paper somewhere at the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico, under a lot of BP crude oil hydrocarbons.

So I called you last month, spent some expensive (from your perspective) time with a customer service rep (actually, two) who said it would be taken care of.

Guess what? It wasn't.

Oh, and to be excruciating clear, not only am I not interested in flying on your airline, and not interested in receiving further emails from you,  I am also absolutely, unequivocably not interested in the company you are pimping me to, "American Cellars Wine Club."

I am not interested in receiving a free 9-piece wood wine accessory box – valued at $45.99 – after a third shipment.

I also am not interested in enjoying six different bottles of exceptional wines delivered every month and earning 4 miles per dollar spent on every shipment.

As enticing an inducement as having an introductory-priced $6.99 bottle of "great tasting wine" delivered right to my home or office(!) with free shipping is, I really have to just say no, even in the face of this undeniable truth: the longer I have to deal with Frontier, the more appealing a bottle of wine becomes.

As an aside, do you really think someone would risk venturing a trip on an airline that posts an invalid web help number, with extensions that don't work, and who has customer service reps (five, and counting) who so far can't get someone removed from an email list?

UPDATE: This post was written while on hold to Frontier. The fifth person I talked to claimed that the two people he emailed would eventually solve my problem, but that I might receive more email from Frontier in the next week or so.

Although I DO idly wonder what Frontier will be selling in next week's spam, I more emphatically hope that I am not fated to know.

UPDATE II: Received a charming form email from "Abri" informing me that I have been removed from Frontier's email solicitations. Included were detailed directions on how to get back on the list. The missive also included this: "Please know, there is a blue "unsubscribe" link at the bottom of every email, this will also remove you from our mailing list."

"Abri," please know that clicking on the "unsubscribe" link on emails sent to me was as effective as attempting to reason with a flamingo — and that would be the immobile pink variety which function as lawn ornamentation.

Instead, I respectfully suggest that YOU try clicking on the link before you send out any more false form letters.