Friday, June 20, 2014

John Oliver on net neutrality: turn on caps lock and fly, my pretties! Fly! Fly! Fly1

     Today, John Oliver told Terry Gross on NPR's Fresh Air that he and his writers spent a solid week trying to figure out how to entertainingly engage an audience on the importance of net neutrality.
     The hilariously informative 13-minute distillation of that work is in the video above.
     Just to be clear, the ranking of who buys government influence is, #1, Military Industrial Complex and #2, the provider of  Lizard Lick Towing... Yes, the guy [Tom Wheeler] who used to run the cable industry's lobbying arm, is now running the agency tasked with regulating it. That is the equivalent of needing a baby sitter and hiring a dingo...
     The cable companies have discovered the Great Truth about America. If you want to do something evil, put it inside something boring. Apple could put the entire text of Mein Kampf inside the itunes user agreement and you'd just go "Agree, Agree, Agree..."
     At this point — and I can't believe I'm about to do this — I would like to address the internet commenters directly:
     Good evening monsters,
     This may be the moment you've spent your whole lives training for. You've been out there ferociously commenting on  dance videos of adorable three-year-olds, saying things like "Every child could dance like this little loser after 1 week of practice." Or you've been polluting Frozen's "Let it go" with comments like "ice castle would give her hypothermia and she dead in an hour" or — and I know you've done this one — commenting on video on THIS show, saying: "Fuck this asshold anchor... go such ur presidents dick... ur just friends with the terrorists xD"
     Now, I don't know what any of that means, but I don't think it's a compliment. But this is the moment you were made for, commenters! Like Ralph Macchio, you've been honing your skills, waxing cars and painting fences. Well guess what? Now it's time to do some fucking karate!
     [As Inspirational music began] For once in your life, we need you to channel that anger, that badly spelled bile that you normally reserve for unforgivable attacks on actresses you seem to think have put on weight. Or politicians that you disagree with. Or photos of your ex-girlfriend getting on with her life. Or non-white actors being cast as fictional characters. And I'm talking to you, Ron_Paul_fan_2016, and YOU, one_direction_forever and I'm talking to YOU, one_direction_sucks_balls. We need you to get out there and for once in your lives, focus your indiscriminate rage in a useful direction. SEIZE YOUR MOMENT MY LOVELY TROLLS! TURN ON CAPS LOCK AND FLY MY PRETTIES!! FLY! FLY! FLY!

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